So, every Unix nerd (THIS INCLUDES YOU, ‘LUNIX SI LEET’ FAGGOTS) has a .plan file. This feature was originally intended to be used to keep potential fingerers apprised of one’s location and near-future plans, but has been turned almost universally to humorous and self-expressive purposes. Basically it’s a place for tech nerds to share funny shit. This is my .plan file.

ROBOTS: Hey, it's...the MAN!
THE MAN: Like, thanks for the intro, babe!
ROBOTS: ...the MAN!
THE MAN: You lowlifes can call me Johnny.

--Johnny, from Chrono Trigger.

Lucca: We're from way after the day after tomorrow.

--Lucca, explaining the future to Ayla.

Glenn: Keep your guard up! This is no ordinary woman! Meet Flea, the
FLEA: What the...?! Hey, I'm a GUY! Male, female, there's no difference.
Power is beautiful, and I have the power.

--Glenn, explaining Flea to Crono and the gang.

Glenn: It's been ages, Sir Slush.
SLASH: That's SLASH, you slimy dolt! Still playing the comedian, eh Glenn?

--Glenn, introducing Slash to the group.

You've got the Magic Rod! Now you can burn things! Burn it! Burn, baby burn!

--Text from Link's Awakening.


--Jules, "Pulp Fiction"

Spaceballs: The Flamethrower! The kids LOVE this one.

--Yogurt, "Spaceballs"

"The radar, sir! It appears to be jammed!"
"Raspberry. There's only one man who would DARE give me raspberry. LONE


"I'm a mawg! Half man, half dawg! I'm my own best friend!"

--Barf, "Spaceballs"

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! PUT THAT BACK ON LINK, ASSHOLE!"

--Me, drunk as hell.

"i am far to smart to be talking in a semple chat room"

--Random AIM idiot.

It looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what
it was: something resembling white marble.

--Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.


I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see
him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

--Shirley Temple

Worst Vegetable of the Year:
The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

--Steve Rubenstein


A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge
are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane.


"Blank a doodle doo!"
"Gene, I have cock! And I wrote it big. I have a big cock."

--From Howard Stern's "Private Parts"

"You idiot! I said -across- her nose, not UP it!"

--Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs"

"Pick, burn, and cry fly, chop cock!"

--Me, proving typos can be intentional, but also showing -something- else.

"*Whisper* The Germans?"
"*Whisper* Quiet, he's on a roll."

--"Animal House"

"We won't get caught. We're on a mission from God."

--Elwood Blues, "The Blues Brothers"

"Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ! I have seen the light!"

--Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"

"It's 106 miles to Chicago. We have a full tank of gas, half a pack of
cigarettes. It's dark and we're wearing sunglasses."
"Hit it!"

--Conversation between Elwood and Jake, "The Blues Brothers"

"I'm insane with anger!"

--Mel Gibson, "Signs"

"*Female voice* "Ohhh, I can only douche once a month.." Bull-SHIT! Take
that thing and stuck it up there and *sound effect*!"

--Me, please don't ask.

"This is the type of game that you DON'T play in front of friends, if you
want to keep your 'bad-ass' image in tact--especially if you're above 14."

--Me, telling my friend Mark about Yoshi's Island.

"My dream wasn't so nice, I dreamt I was a moron."

--Squall, after the first Laguna thing, FF 8.

"Hey! What would you have done if I would have said 'Nice jugs' to you while
you were carrying those jugs?"
"I probably would have had a heart-attack."

--Katie and me, featuring innuendo.

"I must have ran over a squirrel or something to deserve this sucky day."
"Man, Dallas, I musta ran over a little kid or something, then."

--Dallas and I discussing Karma.

"Look! I can prove God exists! If -I- of all people can cry, then there
HAS to be a God!"
"How's that?"
"Well, have YOU seen me cry? I don't cry! Ever!"

--Marie and me, I was cutting onions at the time.

"I'll be like, "Yes, his mom died two years ago.""
"Yeah, RIGHT! More like, "Yes, his mom died two years ago, I need someone
to ease my pain for the night.""

--Billy and me, discussing hot chicks.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious; defender of stupidity!"

--Me, though I didn't coin it.

"I feel like I'm too male, and too tall for this conversation."


Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.


"I'd open doors for little old ladies. I help the blind to see. I got no
friends 'cause they read the papers. They can't be seen with me! And I'm
feelin' real shot down, I'm feelin' MEAN!

No more Mr. Nice Guy! No more, Mr. Clean! They say I'm sick, I'm obscene!"

--Alice Cooper

Adult, n.:
One old enough to know better.

How much for your women? I want to buy your daughter... how much for
the little girl?
--Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers"

Lie, n.:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
discovered to date.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
unusually pale and clear.
Problem: Glass empty.
Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
wrong part of face.
Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
-- Bar Troubleshooting

"When I hung up the phone, it occurred to me: He grown up just like me; my
boy was just like me."

--Harry Chapin, "Cat's in the Cradle"

"The price is WRONG, bitch!"

--Happy Gilmore, "Happy Gilmore"

"Now you've had enough...bitch."

--Bob Barker, "Happy Gilmore"

"What a shot by..Happy Gilmore. Who the hell is Happy Gilmore?"

--Announcer, "Happy Gilmore"

"Son-of-a-bitch ball! Why didn't you just go home!? That's your home! Are you
too good for your home!? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS, BALL!"

--Happy Gilmore, "Happy Gilmore"

"Okay, so, here were my options. "A," Quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw then
take him out with a spinning back kick. Or "B," Take the claw in the face, then
roll on the ground and die.

Hmm, should have gone with "A"."

--Master Tang, "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist"

"Killing is wrong...and bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing.
Like "Badwrong" or "Badong". Yes, killing is "Badong". From this moment, I will
stand for the opposite of killing, "Gnodab"."

--The Chosen One, "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist"

"You have helped me reach the next level. And here, I was starting to think you
were just a sadistic, psycho-bitch."

--The Chosen One, "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist"

"I could always pretend I'm a bird. But that would just look stupid and leave my
small, sensitive balls exposed."

--The Chosen One, "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist"

Colonel Sandurez: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No, you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert
so we're combing it. FOUND ANYTHING YET?


CS: Try here, stop!
DH: What the hell am I looking at? When does THIS happen in the movie!?
CS: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
DH: What happened to then?
CS: We passed it.
DH: When?
CS: Just now. We're at now-now.
DH: Go back to then!
CS: When?
DH: Now!
CS: Now?
CS: I can't.
DH: Why?
CS: We missed it.
DH: When?
CS: Just now.
DH: When will then be now?
CS: Soon.
DH: How soon?

--Conversation between Sandurez and Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs"

"Emergency Stop
Never Use"

--Sign on emergency brake lever, "Spaceballs"

"Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?"
"Oh shit, there goes the planet."

--Apes, "Spaceballs"

"Who do you think you are, coming out of our closet at all hours!? Scram!"

-- Random imp in the house with the Gate in the closet, Chrono Trigger

Drew: Don't... Fuck... With the Hylian.
Marky Mark: FIRST TO FALL, Faaa!
Drew: Now I gotta kill the bitch!? Dead!
Marky Mark: You mean get killed by the bitch.
Peach: Ohh, this..
Drew: *imitating Peach* .. is fun! No it's NOOOT you CUNNNTT!

--Me an' Marky Mark, playing SSBM--while trashed.

"You're supposed to kill the bitch before you kill me. So fuck you with a spoon."

--Me, telling Marky Mark how things are -supposed- to be in SSBM, while trashed.

Drew: Yeah, she got some bitch-b-gone up on you.
Peach: Ohhh, did I win?
Drew: *imitating Peach* Ohhh, did I win? Shut the -FUCK- up!

--SSMB, while trashed.