In this installment of “Letters to the Internet”, I’ll try to assume the persona of the Super Internet Nerd who will probably die a virgin. That hits kind of close to home.
From: “Jared Numerhauser” [firstname.lastname@example.org]
To: “Internet Master” [email@example.com]
I’m no good at writing emails–but I needed to write to you. You, the one guy who sees over the entire internet. I want to know some things. I like knowledge, but people won’t share things with me. I need to know things.
First, I know the people at the ISP building have nothing better to do than to look at what we’re browsing. When I’m feeling snarky, I like to look at fetish and/or gay porn. But, do you have the ability to see what the people at the ISP are browsing? I would assume you do. What do they like? What do the people at my ISP, Breezyriver like?
Secod, my website, xako.org isn’t seeing enough visitors. What can I do to improve that? I’m using MovablePress blogging software, if that helps. I don’t like to blog, because sharing pointless things on your internet seems pointless. I just use the software because it does most of the work for me.
Third, do you like bloggers? What about the Web 2.0? Will there be another Internet controller for it, or will you supervise both internets? I can help you if you’d like. I oversee a lot of stupid teenagers at my job, so overseeing a bunch of stupid teenagers writing things to the internet should be second nature. Does it pay well?
Fourth, can we ban people from the internet because they’re stupid? I like to use chat progrms, but the people on there seem unintelligent. I took an online IQ test (Thank you by the way. I’m awkward around real people) and it said I had a 175 IQ. I’ve always known I was smart; however I seem to be alone on the internet. Can you find, or give me the email to someone intelligent like me. IF it’s a girl, that’d be nice. Especially if she’s pretty.
Fifth, why did you create MySite? I don’t get it. I remember when our personal information was just that: PERSONAL. Now anyone can find anyone if they have a name and a general idea of where they’re located. Also, fake accounts. I made a MySite page to keep in contact with my old middle school friends who were gifted. Why do I keep getting strange “friend requests” from very pretty girls, but they’re located nowhere near me. I don’t see how they would want to know me. Then I slowly figured it out. They were fake profiles. Why do you allow this? It gets my spirits up that a pretty girl would want to be my internet friend, then I found out that it’s a fake.
Sixth, are you a SomethingDreadful forum loon? Or more accurately, do you have windows in your house? I know I am shielded. If you are one of us, what’s your forums id? Are you a superstar? I’m lurking. I have been since December of two years ago. I’m still too timid to post much. Can you help me? I’m afraid that they’re going to make fun of me in Hellslum when I make a stupid post. Can you also help me become a forum superstar? Actually, let’s not stop there, how about an internet superstar. Then all the pretty girls on the internet will want to be my friend.
Seventh, can you tell me about internet dating? Did you think it up, or was that someone else? I know I can’t find any girls out here that like me, and I was hoping you could help me hide behind the safety of a screen name. I have a profile on 10-4Cupid, but no one seems to notice me. Please help.
Spot all the internet references in this bizarro universe.
firstname.lastname@example.org = email@example.com
Breezyriver = Windstream
xako.org = oapboap.org
MovablePress = MovableType/WordPress
MySite = MySpace
SomethingDreadful = SomethingAwful
forum loon = forum goon
Do you have windows in your house/I am shielded = Do you have stairs in your house/I am protected
Hellslum = Helldump
10-4Cupid = OKCupid