This is something I obviously have a lot of experience in. See this LiveJournal post for further details. So, I’d decided to share my infinite wisdom* with you, and help you, the new webmaster, create a successful website.
1. Much like being a good LiveJournal poster, you should have ample spare time. Your visitors, who will now be referred to as “guests”, demand new content, and they want new content daily.
2. You have to be able to, in some degree, write well. Your guests demand the best.
Getting things underway
3. First of all, you need a website, before you can have a successful website. You must be able to walk before you run, right?
4. Register your domain name, and get that bitch online. Domain names are much like your internet identity. Why have something like slumberparties.com when you could have slumberpartiesbymissyberry.com? (this is real, I saw it on a pen, and because it’s such a long stupid url, I remembered it. How the fuck this pen got in our kitchen, I’ll never know. ) Get creative, but remember, there’s NO TAKEBACKS.
5. Decide how you want to present your site to the world. Before you rush off and fire up dreamweaver or front page; stop for a second. You can be like the other internet assholes and make your site a BLOG! Did I get your interest? I thought so. (Ironically, Oapboap.org’s run off of blogging software.)
6. Now that you’ve got your blogging software setup on your INTERNET SERVER, which will now be called “MY SERVER”, find the tackiest style you can for your blog. Remember, nothing wide enough to fill a browser window. And it must be mostly graphics. Fuck room for content.
7. Although the site will probably look similiar on different browsers–DON’T check it out! You don’t want to be an alternate browser faggot. Whatever you set it up in is what you’re testing it in. You’re welcome.
You’re now ready to bring your site fully online, and let the world know you’re READY!
Ready for what? I don’t fucking know. But, you’re READY for it!
8. The first post to your blog, er sorry, WEBSITE, must be quick and barely thought out. It will more than likely be short and cryptic. That’s okay. Get it out there so your guests know that you’re promising them content.
9. Start work on your next update. As soon as possible. But don’t actually post it until the next day or so. Repeat this.
What to write?
10. Just write anything. Your site’s a BLOG, er sorry, a professional website where you offer your opinion on the topics that matter. Just give your opinion on the most trivial worthless shit daily, and your guests will gobble it up like candy.
11. Although it is your opinion, don’t offend people. We all know that the bleeding heart motherfuckers can write the internet controller and have YOUR SERVER taken offline. They might even get cash for their mental anguish. DO NOT OFFEND THESE RETARDS, er, sensitive people.
12. If you do have to be offensive, make it a side section of your “professional website”; and explain that it’s there for you to vent. Some guests won’t like it, but fuck them. You’re funny. And a unique beautiful snowflake. Go crazy with the offensive shit. But don’t try to be funny. You’re not SomethingAwful.
13. Eventually you’re going to run out of boring trivial shit, er sorry, PROFESSIONAL OPINIONS, to write about. Fear not! There is a last resort. Find some friends and explain to them they you have this “thing on the internets” and that it’s “pretty big” and/or “popular”, and casually ask them if they’d like to write an article on the site; so that they can be internet famous. If they don’t say yes, fuck them–they’re not your friends.
14. If you want to try comedy, be sure to find image macros from fark, somethingawful, or collegehumor. Steal catchphrases from somethingawful, and use them on your site before they trickle down to the lesser internets.
15. When in doubt, Chuck Norris jokes are FUCKING HILARIOUS. ex. Chuck Norris can make a successful website by banging his cock on a keyboard. That wasn’t hard, was it? lol, hard
These next sections are when you’ve hit the absolute rock bottom, and can’t think up anymore content.
Time for the copy paste
16. When you can’t think of something to write, just go to a major (news/satire/gaming) site and copy whatever story is on the main page. Be sure to change a word or two to your normal vocabulary, so your guests don’t get too suspicious.
Time for the drawings
17. When in doubt, turn to webcomics. I made this in paint in less than five minutes. That means you can be a success, too.
If you’ve done this, there’s only a few more steps.
Out there in the spotlight!
18. When your site is a success, be SURE to ask for PayPal donations. Because you need the cash to better provide for your guests (more bandwidth, better editing tools–face it, you’re going to spend the $23.49 the suckers give you on Mountain Dew and Doritos, don’t fool yourself).
19. PLASTER your link on every site you visit. Get those hits from people that might mistakenly associate your site with the one it was linked from.
And finally, the last piece of advice I can give you.
20. Don’t even fucking try. Everything that you could possibly think up has either been done to death, that most the internet won’t care, or your esteemed group of guests will be roughly 20 people. Oh, and–don’t call yourself a ‘webmaster’. It was awesome in the mid to late 90′s, but now, it’s a worthless title. Unless you are hand-crafting your pages from pure code you are not a fucking ‘webmaster’!
I hope this helps.
*wisdom may or may not be infinite; contents are packaged by volume, not weight; contents may settle during shipping. Your mileage may vary.